Premature Ejaculation (Q&A)
As a guy, I believe that the biggest problem for men is premature ejaculation. I also believe that the answer is one of the biggest since it touches all the aspects of intimacy.
They simply need to spend more time together and actually the PE in itself is a sign of “too little time” and that everything in life is in a hurry.
Geli, can you suggest some help in that matter?
Premature Ejaculation is a pervasive issue, potentially can be a forerunner of other dysfunctions, especially erection problems and inhibited sexual desire, and above all can become a major conflict in a couple’s relationship.
Let’s look at potential reasons of PE (Premature Ejaculation) and then I’ll give you some suggested ways of treating it.
I shall deal with this subject from the scientific / practical angle rather than from the spiritual. I always believe that the spiritual and the natural work in tandem, sometimes like a proverbial ‘chicken and egg’ situation (what came first?), and at other times it is good to see problems solved working with both, the spiritual and the natural together at the same time.
So often I hear that the spiritual (negative) ‘overcomes’ people outside their control. I firmly belief that we have the capacity to make choices that puts us above the victim mode.
I belief strongly in giving people practical tools with understanding, so that they can step by step move forward, together with prayer, a loving accountability partner/ team, and without any guilt, shame or condemnation.
Motivations and expectations to overcome PE
First of all, it is important to assess motivations and expectations carefully. Is the man’s interest in better ejaculatory control to increase his pleasure and make sex more enjoyable for them as a couple, or is it to prove something to the woman, or have her be orgasmic during intercourse so he feels like a successful lover?
Are their expectations about intercourse and the role of orgasm during intercourse reasonable or unrealistic performance demands? Is the focus on ejaculatory control to give and receive more pleasure, or is it a performance demand?
Potential causes of PE:
The great majority of males have their first orgasmic experience during either masturbation or a nocturnal emission (wet dream). Masturbation is experienced by over 90% of young males, typically between ages 10 and 14. Masturbation is usually practiced in an intense, rapid and goal-oriented manner. The adolescent male focuses only on penis stimulation and is intent on reaching orgasm and the associated few seconds of intense pleasure.
Young males who engage in ‘circle jerks’ view the boy who ejaculates the fastest and farthest as being the most masculine. Basically, the message about sexuality combined with masturbation is all too often that it is penis-focused, goal-oriented, rapid, and intense high levels of sexual excitement, and when in combination with high anxiety, it can lead to rapid ejaculation, or PE.
This is not to say that masturbation is the cause of early ejaculation or that masturbation is a negative sexual behaviour. The opposite can be true. Body self-exploration, genital self-exploration, and learning about sexual responsiveness can be positive, integral aspect of male sexuality (and female, for that matter!).
The problem is not so much with self pleasuring per se, but in the attitudes, mental imagery and behaviour that can accompany the masturbation.
Allow me to pause here for a second, as I feel I might be losing some of my readers here. In another article I will go into detail about masturbation and the potential direct effect on mental health not only from the brain/neurological side but of course also from the martial couple perspective.
Just briefly, the majority of the time when people masturbate they tend to have images such as pornographic imprints that lead to all sorts of problems and can become addictive. Neurochemically the brain response patterns are the same as with crack heroine. More about all this at some other time.
Anxiety, guilt, and embarrassment about masturbating and/or fear of being discovered are potentially injurious. It also causes neuro-associations that can have long-term detrimental effects. In the fear of being discovered, young males hurry to get to the ejaculatory rush that causes them to lose the connection with the emotional and whole body satisfaction they could have, which an intimate relationship would bring.
Since men used to quick fixes need so little time and physical touch, the foreplay time is spent on arousing the woman so she is ready for intercourse. The man resists the woman stimulating him because he worries he’ll get too excited and ejaculate too rapidly, perhaps even before intercourse. Thus the male learns to associate high levels of excitement with high anxiety about early ejaculation.
Premature Ejaculation can be seen as an anxiety response even with men who do not fall into the categories described earlier. Basically it means that ejaculation is out of control often accompanied with a feeling of helplessness, frustration or even anger as a man ejaculate before he wishes to.
SOLUTIONS: Suggested Process for Ejaculation Control
Some ‘Do-It-Yourself’ techniques to cure early ejaculation often have adverse effects in causing erection dysfunctions, couple dissatisfaction, and generally inhibited sexual desire at some later point or stage in life.
Techniques such as wearing two condoms, using desensitizing cream, biting his tongue, or distract themselves with terrible imagery (such as how much money he owes, someone dying, etc.) first of all do not work, and secondly can be harmful in three ways. These techniques serve to reduce arousal and can cause erection difficulties rather than lead to ejaculatory control. Secondly, the whole purpose of control is that he needs to feel more, rather than less. How is he supposed to know the ‘Point of No Return’ if he can’t feel it coming?
Thirdly, the man is isolating himself from his partner, which leads to further alienation and can destroy the couple’s bond. That is a very important point, if he is so focused on his own dilemma, he is not going to be ‘present’ with his wife, and of course women are ultra sensitive to pick up when he is not ‘present’!
The key elements in learning ejaculatory control is to identify the point of ejaculatory inevitability, the ‘Point of No Return’.
The best method, in my experience with clients, is utilizing the stop-start technique and alternating intercourse positions and thrusting movements, together with learning to fully relax and let the tension dissipate in the body through correct breathing.
Here is a progressive process I am suggesting which has worked well with clients before:
First of all it is important that the husband and wife work together as a team. See it as a fun project rather than a problem to be solved. Take your time! Rome was not built in one day!
The number one step is to deeply relax and learn to breathe properly and deeply. I added some videos to get an idea.
Part of what I teach is retraining the brain and re-patterning habits. Most people, when they think of intimacy between the sheets think of sex and penetration, plus, if it does not work for the man for one reason or another, then the entire intimate time gets ‘binned’, rather than focus on his wife and help her have mind – body blowing orgasms.
During the relaxation exercise, focus on non-genital togetherness. Learn and understand the various different erogenous zones both on yourself and on your wife. Take time to prepare bodies, as I explained in different articles here on this site, such as giving a feather massage, or a finger ‘rain-drop’ massage, or a massage with essential oils, etc. Explore all the senses.
In order to learn to recognise the point of no return, or rather the time just before, it is better to work on this with non intercourse stimulation for quite a while, in other words manual stimulation at first, and oral if comfortable.
The stop-start technique this is more recommendable than the squeeze technique, as mentioned before, simply because you will get to know your body better. After awhile it then becomes ‘second nature’ just like starting a car on a hill with a manual gear box without rolling backwards.
During this training, work together with your wife, either you can self-pleasure with her being there with you or she does it for you.
How do you do that?
It is best to self pleasure because then you are in full control of what is happening during that time. Self-pleasure close to but not up to the point of no return. Only up to that point (!) then stop what you are doing, back off.
You will need to practice this over and over until you learn for certain the sense of no return and gradually see if you can take it longer till you get to that point. This will take a while, no overnight sucess here, but it will be worth it!
When you are with your wife, the important thing is that you DO NOT CLOSE YOUR EYES and retreat into your own world of pleasure which shuts out your wife! Retrain yourself by being totally present and deeply enter her with your eyes and your heart, and feel the bodily sensations, consciously. This is a powerful way for a man who was used to mental imagery to retrain his mind and brain to focus on the actual physical touch sensation and being fully present with his wife. This will take some real conscious effort which is well worth it!
When your wife is giving you manual or oral stimulation, make sure you tell her to stop well before the point of no return: Clear signal, readily received, and acted on.
Especially in beginning phase of this training there will be many times you miss it. Rather than becoming angry or feeling like a failure, just give yourself permission to enjoy the ejaculation and see it as a learning experience in identifying the point of ejaculatory inevitability. Next time better!
Once the stop-start technique is practiced and mastered in non-intercourse lovemaking, the focus then shifts to practicing these techniques during intercourse, with your wife on top.
Most males have learned early ejaculation in the man-on-top position, using short and rapid stroking. The ‘quiet vagina’ exercise is a very different experience when the woman guides intromission and engages minimal movements herself.
During that time avoid any movements yourself; just simply enjoy the feeling of intravaginal containment. If at any time you feel yourself approaching inevitability, you can signal her to stop moving. If you still feel as if you’re going to ejaculate, you can request that she disengages from intercourse and lies next to you, and then consciously breath, imagining that your are pulling the sexual feelings up and away from your genitals with the deep in-breath, and then release them out with your out-breath.
Another amazing technique is a quite advanced one. Get yourself some beach chairs for the floor (basically no chair legs just a seat and back support), then sit so close that she is having your penis inside of her. Nobody is moving, you’re just sitting in each other’s arms with her on top with your penis inside and your backs supported by the backrest.
Then, all you do is rhythmically squeeze your PC (pubococcygeus) muscle. You both have them. So you alternate, she squeezes her PC muscle, then you do, and so on, whilst looking into each other’s eyes, tuning into each other’s heart and synchronise deep breathing. The result can be quite incredible creating very deep loving bonding.
This entire overall process retrains the man to stop focusing on improved performance and doing an ego trip of wanting to be the best lover, and instead learning to enjoy a new pattern of non-demand pleasuring, and above all being really and truly present with his wife.
The most difficult position in which to maintain ejaculatory control is the male-on-top position with fast, short thrusting. If you want to maintain ejaculatory control in that position, you need to utilize longer and slower stroking and be willing to stop and /or slow down or pause during thrusting.
Finally, it is not simply your genital penetration that touches her deeply, the main penetration she feels is your yielding into her, through her, in love.
It is the fullness of your presence; the actual invasion of her body by your consciousness, that most ravishes her.
© Copyright A.R. (“Geli”) Heimann – 2010. All Rights Reserved
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Journey Of Intimacy™ – Geli Heimann BSc (Hons), MSc, is a NLP Practitioner, Relationship Psychologist and Psychosexual Educator, based on Positive Psychology, Mind Technologies and Christ-Centred Spirituality – an Invitation to Hope, Healing, Growth, Joy and Bliss.
For more check out: www.JourneyOfIntimacy.com