Hi there!

I read your teachings, especially the “90 Days Challenge”, with great interest. I am a scientist working abroad. I have a girlfriend of three years who I love very very very much. However, we have communication issues and I always feel like she needs more of me than I have to offer. My problem is that I give so much to my work. Because I work (predominantly with animals) they demand more of my attention and love than other people have to give in other jobs. I am really at the end of my tether because when I come home (she’s unemployed by the way) she’s just sitting there surrounded by empty packets of biscuits demanding satisfaction. When I suggest that she takes up a hobby, she just growls and rolls over.

I understand that you don’t want to hear excuses – and I am ready to throw myself into providing her with the greatest 90 days of her life. But where can I begin? I asked her to make a list of the top ten things she needs to feel loved and she just laughed and then went to sleep. She won’t come with me even to the supermarket.

Your methods seem to be innovative and unique. Can you give me any advice?

Dr. David M.

Read the reply:

 

Dear Dr. M.,

Thank you for your heartfelt request for understanding. I also want to thank you that you have the courage to contact me for help! As a little aside, you might find another posting of mine interesting to peruse: “Why Can’t a Woman Be More Like a Man?”

I am glad that you picked up communication issues as a challenge. By communication I do not just mean verbal communication.

Having said that, you would appreciate that it’s not that simple to give a diagnosis and suggestions of what to do, just on the strengths of a quick letter, but it is a great place to start!

It appears that there is a fair amount going on inside of your girlfriend and yourself, like in most relationships. So, you’re not alone with this type of a challenge!

That aside, it is the feminine prerogative to not only enjoy but to also need lots of attention!

You might say, “yes, but I am already giving all I can and it seems that I can never satisfy her …”

The key, for starters, I believe, is to follow the “Platinum Rule” rather than the “Golden Rule”.

The “Golden Rule” says, “”Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” or “Treat others like you want to be treated”. The Golden Rule implies the basic assumption that other people would like to be treated the way that you would like to be treated.

The “Platinum Rule” goes one step further: “Treat others in the way they like to be treated.” The Platinum Rule accommodates the feelings of others. The focus of relationships shifts from “this is what I want, so I’ll give everyone the same thing” to “let me first understand what they want and then I’ll give it to them.”

So, in this light, let’s look at the basics of providing attention. Here some useful points to start off with:

1. Committing to heartfelt understanding
2. Giving what the other really needs
3. Creating and building trust and respect
4. Reigniting playfulness, presence and passion
5. Harnessing courage and embracing honesty
6. Uncovering and creating alignment
7. Living and loving consciously and being an example

 

There are some very basic six human needs that every person desires and can be a great clue as to understanding someone else’s behaviour or your own.

1. Certainty – the need for stability, safety, and comfort
2. Variety – the need for stimulations and change
3. Significance – the need to be special and worthy of attention
4. Connection and Love – the need for connection with others and ultimately to love and be loved
5. Growth – the need to develop and expand
6. Contribution – the need to give beyond yourself

There are also further skills and additional ways to embark on the journey of heartfelt understanding of your loved one, as well as yourself.

Certainly the 90 day challenge, a three months foundational intervention program, is a good start.

The art of conscious relationship, deepen loving, spiritual partnering, awakening the feminine and mastering enlightened masculinity is the higher path of the Journey of Intimacy. It is a life-long pursuit of meaningful, divine, and fulfilling relationship.

When you are ready, contact me.

Sincerely,
Geli.

 

Dear Geli,

I just read your MYTH article and can say that I’ve heard this concept before, and grasped it. The thing is, I’m very aware of the ‘work on your weaknesses’ world around me and feel like I’m probably modelling this mentality. Yuk!

It’s despicable when you think about it – cos it’s all about pride and self-achievement!

I need help with this, please, as it’s also messing up my releationships!

‘Getting beyond weaknesses determined!’

Read the reply:

Dear ‘Getting beyond weaknesses determined!’,

Once you focus on your strengths and then work on maximising them, you’ll find you’re going to succeed to the point that your healthy pride and self-achievement are going to sing.

It’s really a case of trying to be smart with one’s weaknesses, meaning: it’s useful to team up with people whose strengths are your weaknesses, and whose weaknesses are your strengths. Teaming up with people who recognise this principle, rather than with people trying to get you to conform to their strengths! Easier said than done, I mean to find the right folk to team up with for life in a commited partner relationship, to get something specific done such as a project, or just have as friends to cheer you on to higher grounds. Nonetheless, the concept works.

It’s all a case of focus, celebrating and then maximising one’s strengths, and really excelling what we’re good at. Then somehow everything else falls into place.

I guess this is a lifelong job, we all have to swim upstream with this in this negative weaknesses mindset environment we live in.

When we maximise and excell in our strengths, I believe this strong statement of Jesus can be applied:

“For everyone who has will be given more, and he will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what he has will be taken from him. “Matthew 25:29

In other words success breeds further success …. and if we do not maximise our strengths, due to focusing on our weaknesses, then even what we have will be taken.

Again, I am not saying it’s easy. I for one have been brought up by especially one parent whose strengths were my weaknesses, and my strengths were her weaknesses. All my growing up years, all I knew was that I was a failure, a non-starter, an non-completer, and a basket full of further negative descriptions. Only in the last 7 years did I start to understand that those traits of mine, that where forever rubbished, were indeed my strengths. It’s been a painful long process to shift those perceptions. Why? because subconsciously I have always been attracted to people like my mother, male or female, in order to finally receive validation from ‘her’, yet instead of it, her life branding message continued through these other people.

It takes guts to disconnect from people one has almost become addicted to, hoping that the fix of validation will finally come from them. Only then healing can start.

If you want to discuss some further help, do contact me or check out the various HELP available Click Here.

Cheering you on to your success,