Article by Suzie Heumann originally published at the Huffington Post

When people hear the term “spiritual sex,” a whole gamut of inaccurate notions and associations may leap to mind.

Let’s look at some of the most common misconceptions:

I’d have to change my religion to practice spiritual sex.

No. You don’t even have to think about religion. Spiritual sex is not religious. It is a collection of techniques that facilitate a way of being together that invites a quality of sacredness–the spiritual graces, if you will–into your coupling. There is no need to get into any specific beliefs about God. In some cases, people do employ visualizations of deities, such as those from the Hindu pantheon during tantric sex, but this is unnecessary, not central to spiritual sex practices.

Spiritual sex is contrived. I think sex should be spontaneous.

Okay, I will go out on a limb here. Dare I say this? Spontaneity is a little overrated. Young people often latch onto it as the thing, but it’s like impulse food. Do you really want to eat pizza every night of the week?

Anyone who has been with one partner for a long time knows you have to give some conscious attention to your sex life if you’re going to keep the charge and intimacy alive. So creating rituals with your lover — bathing rituals, touch rituals, a sacred evening where you agree to go slow and be very aware and sensitive to every touch you offer and receive — these types of deliberative efforts have the potential to take you and your partner to a blissful turned-on state. And spontaneity manifests during the event itself.

For busy couples, especially those with children, spontaneous sex is not so easy. Planned sex may seem like a contrivance, but when you know you’re going to do it, and you’re looking forward to it, that can increase your pheromone output along with the endorphins and opiates coursing through your body as you anticipate sex for a day or even for several days.

Spontaneity is great as far as it goes, but it isn’t always conducive to spiritual sex or even great sex. Especially in a long-term partnership, it only goes so far. It is great some of the time but not all of the time.

Spiritual sex is a production. It is too time-consuming. I wouldn’t have the patience for it.

Well, you never know. You may think you wouldn’t want to make love for hours and hours, but once you really get into some of the practices, those hours can just melt by! Also, once you’ve gained experience with the practices and seen where they take you, you may have “spiritual quickies” where you can get to that same exquisitely emotional, ultra-sensual place very fast. You might go there for just ten minutes and come away feeling hugely satisfied and connected with your partner.

There are also all kinds of ways to make love that don’t involve the genital sex act. You can co-create sensual experiences with your lover involving touch, massage, eye gazing, breathing together, answering a series of spiritual-erotic questions together, etc. and you can do this for hours or for just 30 minutes or so. So there’s lots of ways to keep it short.

Spiritual sex requires me to be limber and flexible, like a yoga teacher.

No, it doesn’t! It’s nice to be healthy and limber, but it’s not required. You don’t have to be limber to eye gaze, or to sit facing your partner and breathe together, or to lie in the spoon position with one partner’s front to the other’s back. Even some of the Kama Sutra positions are actually pretty namby-pamby!

No two couples are the same. Every couple is a unique combination. You and your lover have to figure out what works for you. Look for the positions that charge you up, or the positions you can hang out, groove and move together in. You have many choices.

My partner will think I’m nutty if I suggest we try spiritual sex.

Then don’t tell your partner! Really. Your partner doesn’t even have to know. Set up a sensual bath or massage time with your partner. Sit on the bed and look into your partner’s eyes and suggest that you synchronize your breathing. Practice soft ways of touching and ask your partner to do the same. They will be blown away and think you’ve become the best lover in the world! You don’t have to mention that these are neo-tantric intimacy practices. If your partner starts to wonder after a while how your sex life got so good, then you might “admit” what you’ve been doing and your partner will say, “Gosh, then let’s go to the bookstore right now and buy a book on tantric sex so that we can get even better at this!”

Spiritual sex is a set of practices that gently dissolve the hard boundaries of body and mind that confine us, that keep us from experiencing all we possibly can when we’re intimate with someone. It’s a merging with your partner into an ecstatic place where you can experience higher awareness, harmony, divine energy and a feeling of union with everything. It’s not an “other-worldly” activity, it’s accessible and natural, and you don’t have to join a cult, change your identity, or upend your schedule to have spiritual sex.

Video below

A lover knows only humility, he has no choice.
He steals into your alley at night, he has no choice.
He longs to kiss every lock of your hair, don’t fret,
he has no choice.
In his frenzied love for you, he longs to break the chains of his imprisonment,
he has no choice.

A lover asked his beloved:
Do you love yourself more than you love me?
Beloved replied: I have died to myself and I live for you.
I’ve disappeared from myself and my attributes,
I am present only for you.
I’ve forgotten all my learnings,
but from knowing you I’ve become a scholar.
I’ve lost all my strength, but from your power I am able.

I love myself…I love you.
I love you…I love myself.

I am your lover, come to my side,
I will open the gate to your love.
Come settle with me, let us be neighbours to the stars.
You have been hiding so long, endlessly drifting in the sea of my love.
Even so, you have always been connected to me.
Concealed, revealed, in the unknown, in the un-manifest.
I am life itself.

You have been a prisoner of a little pond,
I am the ocean and its turbulent flood.
Come merge with me,
leave this world of ignorance.
Be with me, I will open the gate to your love.

I desire you more than food or drink
My body my senses my mind hunger for your taste
I can sense your presence in my heart
although you belong to all the world
I wait with silent passïon for one gesture one glance
from you.

Are you at your wit’s end thinking, “whatever I do is not good enough for her?” She complains, nags and is in a foul mood. Whatever solution you tell her she should do to solve her problem, she just storms out shouting that you’re just not listening to her?

I’m inviting you to check through the following suggestions which you can try out and do to produce the results you are looking for.

First of all, let me say that every situation is different, and people are individually different. Unless I am actually talking with you one on one regarding your specific situation, I can only give you a buffet of general tips and understanding.

OK, let’s assume she comes home from work all frustrated about her day and what happened to her. You’re probably tired from your work day, too, and just want to switch off, and then she starts to talk.

You can clearly see that she is upset, and you want to change that state as quickly as you can. As you listen your strategic brain probably has already sussed out the solution. So, you go ahead and tell her that she should do: point 1, point 2, point 3. It’s really that simple! But why is she now making a fuss that you apparently don’t even care enough to listen?!

Well, the feminine tends to express herself in “feelings”, whilst the masculine tends to prefer to express himself in actions, in “doing”. For you as a masculine man, you tend to either show your love doing something for your lady, or if you are in a sticky situation you want to get out of, you “do” something about it.

It is worth repeating that every person has both masculine and feminine energy essence in them at various degrees, and we can use whichever energy, masculine or feminine, as and when necessary. For simplicity, I am calling feminine “she” and masculine “he” although energies are not gender specific. So, for example, at work, in order to get things done, a woman may purposefully use her masculine energy.

Now she is at home with you and her feminine essence energy wants to be honoured. She wants to express her “feelings” rather than having to “do” something again.

The useful thing is, in this situation, for most of the time, no action is required, no problem needs to be solved; you do not have to do anything other than just being present to her feelings. You may find that she is actually describing her current feeling or emotion, rather than stating or asking for a solution that requires an action.

At that moment she is flowing on a feelings wave and by suggesting an action she will not feel heard or loved.

So you can relax, just be conscious and present, and all you have to do is acknowledge her pain or her emotions at that point.

Allow that storm to ride out. Enter her eyes with love and compassion for what she is feeling right at that moment.

Be present, be fully present! Don’t get sidetracked by her words, just be conscious of the deep feelings from her heart.

She will really feel heard and loved. She will be able to relax into her feminine self. Just scoop her up into your arms and hold her there.

You do that, and you’ll be her hero!

For more information and how I can help you personally with a FREE 30 minutes Skype call, click HERE