She needs more of me than I have to offer – please helpBy
I read your teachings, especially the “90 Days Challenge”, with great interest. I am a scientist working abroad. I have a girlfriend of three years who I love very very very much. However, we have communication issues and I always feel like she needs more of me than I have to offer. My problem is that I give so much to my work. Because I work (predominantly with animals) they demand more of my attention and love than other people have to give in other jobs. I am really at the end of my tether because when I come home (she’s unemployed by the way) she’s just sitting there surrounded by empty packets of biscuits demanding satisfaction. When I suggest that she takes up a hobby, she just growls and rolls over.
I understand that you don’t want to hear excuses – and I am ready to throw myself into providing her with the greatest 90 days of her life. But where can I begin? I asked her to make a list of the top ten things she needs to feel loved and she just laughed and then went to sleep. She won’t come with me even to the supermarket.
Your methods seem to be innovative and unique. Can you give me any advice?
Dr. David M.
Read the reply:
Dear Dr. M.,
Thank you for your heartfelt request for understanding. I also want to thank you that you have the courage to contact me for help! As a little aside, you might find another posting of mine interesting to peruse: “Why Can’t a Woman Be More Like a Man?”
I am glad that you picked up communication issues as a challenge. By communication I do not just mean verbal communication.
Having said that, you would appreciate that it’s not that simple to give a diagnosis and suggestions of what to do, just on the strengths of a quick letter, but it is a great place to start!
It appears that there is a fair amount going on inside of your girlfriend and yourself, like in most relationships. So, you’re not alone with this type of a challenge!
That aside, it is the feminine prerogative to not only enjoy but to also need lots of attention!
You might say, “yes, but I am already giving all I can and it seems that I can never satisfy her …”
The key, for starters, I believe, is to follow the “Platinum Rule” rather than the “Golden Rule”.
The “Golden Rule” says, “”Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” or “Treat others like you want to be treated”. The Golden Rule implies the basic assumption that other people would like to be treated the way that you would like to be treated.
The “Platinum Rule” goes one step further: “Treat others in the way they like to be treated.” The Platinum Rule accommodates the feelings of others. The focus of relationships shifts from “this is what I want, so I’ll give everyone the same thing” to “let me first understand what they want and then I’ll give it to them.”
So, in this light, let’s look at the basics of providing attention. Here some useful points to start off with:
1. Committing to heartfelt understanding
2. Giving what the other really needs
3. Creating and building trust and respect
4. Reigniting playfulness, presence and passion
5. Harnessing courage and embracing honesty
6. Uncovering and creating alignment
7. Living and loving consciously and being an example
There are some very basic six human needs that every person desires and can be a great clue as to understanding someone else’s behaviour or your own.
1. Certainty – the need for stability, safety, and comfort
2. Variety – the need for stimulations and change
3. Significance – the need to be special and worthy of attention
4. Connection and Love – the need for connection with others and ultimately to love and be loved
5. Growth – the need to develop and expand
6. Contribution – the need to give beyond yourself
There are also further skills and additional ways to embark on the journey of heartfelt understanding of your loved one, as well as yourself.
Certainly the 90 day challenge, a three months foundational intervention program, is a good start.
The art of conscious relationship, deepen loving, spiritual partnering, awakening the feminine and mastering enlightened masculinity is the higher path of the Journey of Intimacy. It is a life-long pursuit of meaningful, divine, and fulfilling relationship.
When you are ready, contact me.