Rape and previous Partner Abuse stops her from even Receiving a Hug from me. Please Help!
ByDear Angelika,
My girlfriend disclosed to me that her last boyfriend raped her, now she’s ultra sensitive to everything I do and say to her. We are not in a sexual relationship just seeing each other she has many insecurities and trust issues, and at present can’t even take a hug from me.
Also previous partners have bullied and emotionally abused her.
Please help me shed some light very complex situation, feel like crying as I write this.
Heart Cry.
READ THE REPLY:
Dear Heart Cry,
this is not a 5 minute fix, but you can start the process in 5 minutes. In fact, ideally it would be best for someone to coach you through this deep healing intervention.
I trust that you yourself are healed enough and secure enough to embark on this path.
One thing you will have to learn is to love her with unwavering and persistent presence. Most women are extremely conscious when a man is physically present, but his heart and mind is not. You will have to be man enough to stay the course even when she pushes you away and demands that you get away from her and give her space.
Anyway, you need to understand that because of her severe pain, she has become very defensive and acts outwardly in a way that is contradictory to what she is really craving for: safe touch, healing touch, and a man that would persist to love her the way she needs to be loved, rather than the way she wants to be loved (yes, you would have to understand her needs for that).
Because she has been damaged she will push you away, verbally or physically, or even create a drama or a scene to put you off and create distance. Understand that this is not what she needs, understand that her actions are a cry for help and unconditional love. If you act according to what she demands or asks for: space, distance, she is then convinced that you, too don’t care.
So, how do you create the situation that she is reaching out to you asking for a hug or embrace? Keep your hands to yourself (until you know in your gut when it is right to offer her an embrace), but stand/sit close to her. Now you turn up the volume of ‘presence’. (you will need to practice this over and over, don’t give up if after a few seconds you already snap out of ‘presence’ … just do it again).
The ‘presence’ she will need is for you to bathe her with love and empathy. Follow her breath till you are both in sync. When you feel she is unconsciously following your breath rhythm slow it down and take it deeper into the diaphragm, as that will relax her.
Stay lovingly and softly connected with your eyes, don’t move and don’t snap out of presence. She might test you and say something to push you out of you being fully present with her. She will test you to see if you are just like the other guys. So, persist, stay in loving presence. Enter her heart unflinchingly with your loving gaze, and for God’s sake STAY PRESENT and bathe her in love. Think about the torment and unspeakable pain she went through in a rape. No human being deserves to go through that! Look in her eyes, see the beauty, see her heart, feel her heart, stay present.
If you manage to do that you will melt her, maybe for the first time in her life. You will open her up to be vulnerable and trusting, and when you get her to that point, she will want to wrap her arms around you and sink into your chest and feel safe and loved.
Always remember, whenever she pushes you away, respond with masculine presence. Don’t give give into her and give her space or leave her alone, but pursue her with masculine love. I do not mean follow her around like a puppy. Remind yourself that you are a man and show that unconditional love and masculine persistent presence to her, and you’ll rip her heart open in trusting feminine surrender where she finally feels safe and can receive.
Be gracious to yourself, as you may not be able to get it straight off, practice it again and again. If you stay sensitive and present, you will know when to say, next time better, next time longer. Each time she will build a tiny bit more trust.
All the best!
Angelika.
Thank you so much for that response Angelika. What you’ve said is soooo true!!
Just reading it made me feel that, that is how I’ve felt at times and its something i think women who have been deeply wounded go through at times. That we push the people closest to us away and sometimes we just wish they would push through that barrier and give us a hug and or show that they love us unconditionally.
You went further to even describe the way “Heart cry” should approach her and also be patient with her. I think this is really key in helping a lot of guys understand how women who’ve been through devastating circumstances as this guy’s girlfriend.
Once again, I really want to thank you for your response as you’ve highlighted areas where even that was the cry that i had. And most guys don’t have that patience and give up but i would encourage them not to give up as their persistence as you so rightly said does eventually get their women to relax and open up with time.
Even, reading your response alone is healing in itself as one may feel that what one couldn’t express in words, you have so expressly done!!
God richly bless you for this!!
Thank you so much! xx